Thursday, 13 June 2013

Dark clouds

On Tuesday when I was milk recording at one of my regular farms concentrating on taking the right sample from the right cow and not thinking of anything else  I suddenly felt tearful for no apparent reason......... for goodness sake pull yourself together.

Later in the day I was driving, listening to the radio and not thinking about anything in particular when the tearful feeling came over me again..........for goodness sake pull yourself together.

Yesterday morning I was washing and sterilizing everything for cheesemaking and as I stood at the sink the teary thing happened again................ for goodness sake pull yourself together.
It happened another couple of times during the morning ................ by now a stiff talking to was administered and heed clearly taken.
It seemed to work........


I haven't felt my usual jolly self all week .......and then yesterday afternoon I had this overwhelming pissed off feeling ...... it just came over me like a dark cloud...... and then wouldn't go away

Fuck off  Fuck off Fuck off ........ but it wouldn't fuck off and stuck with me, slept with me, woke up with me and then went to work with me ..... oh and then came home again for cheesemaking with me.

This afternoon it finally fucked off but was immediately replaced by a short tempered, snappy mood........... gawd knows where it came from.

Luckly it it didn't hang around for too long and I'm now feeling more like normal....... ha ha well as normal as I can be!!

I can't recall ever feeling like this for so long .... EVER

Yes, I've been through all these feelings before over my 50 years but they've never stuck around for more than a few hours!

So why now???

Perhaps the lack of sun has something to do with it???

Perhaps I can blame the dentist???

Perhaps the fact that we have had to make the sad decision to cancel all but three markets until after my radio therapy has something to do with it????

Perhaps as we've almost run out of cheese as this bastard cancer has meant we've not been able to make so much for three months???

Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps.......

I have a sneaky feeling that despite all my fears about weight gain, fluid retention, DVT, hot flushes etc which haven't occured (yet)  Tamoxifen is messing with my hormones instead.

Be warned ...... I bite!!!!

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