Friday, 21 June 2013


Well I certainly didn't expect to be posting today ..........

One radio therapy day is much the same as another!

And I know my sister and I don't get on but ........

.......... my Mother phoned tonight to see how the RT was going and then mentioned that my sister who is 48 went to her GP, a woman to ask for a mammogram because of my breast cancer.

Wrong ....... not a good enough reason


Actually I keep hearing this and even my friend whose sister died from breast cancer after the GP told her her lump was nothing has been told that she doesn't need a mammogram!


This just makes me so mad ... what gives them the right to be so dismissive?

Just refer them and forget about your budgets!

Luckly my sister is made of sterner stuff and went to see a male GP who saw the light and she is now booked in for a scan!

My friend however doesn't want to know and isn't persuing it. I hope for her GP's sake that he's right and he never has me to contend with!

Ok bye mum ........eeeerrrrr no .......

To cut a long story (very) short (yes I get the waffling gene from her) ......

They have friends who are around my age ......and she got a call saying that A had breast cancer and was going for an op so they wouldn't be able to keep the dinner date.

My mothers next comment astounded me .....

We hadn't told them about you as we find people don't know what to say when we tell them about your breast cancer,


So we don't say anything.

Ok Ma ....

Please can you give A my contact details. She may want to talk, rant, rave or swear so I'm here if she does!

I'm just so grateful that my bastard cancer was found through routine screening.

Thursday, 20 June 2013

one down nineteen to go

The deja vu continued last night with the odd dreams and waking up every hour ...... I'm hoping that now I've had the first session of radio therapy and we've done the first rush hour journey my sub conscious will take a hike!

So the first of my twenty radio therapy appointments started today ...... they are are all at 0945hrs.

You will have already completed the next sentence........................

As usual we left ridiculously early ............     0755hrs to be precise!!

In my defence having commuted to Topsham some years ago I remember how bad the rush hour was so although it was a different route into the city today I wasn't taking any chances.

It wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated and the traffic wasn't queuing onto the A30 which was my biggest fear! Although I was clinging onto the door handle as usual, I managed not to squeal at OH's lane discipline or lack of it!! (maybe he's getting better or maybe I just shut my eyes!)

We got parked in the Oncology carpark and I nipped in to hand over four quid in return for a parking permit. Works out at 20p a day! Without it we'd have to fork out £40 over the 4 weeks ....... thats 6 bottles of wine for goodness sake!

Ok, so we were there 30 minutes before my appointment but I was called in after 20 minutes to change into my tunic and 10 minutes later I was being pushed and pulled into position. 10 minutes of beeping later and that was it!


Didn't feel a thing!!

After everything that has gone before it felt a real let down!

The radiographers said 'Bye ... see you tomorrow'

So that really is it??

Seems so ...... I got changed and we drove home ...... we were only gone 3 hours!

Back for round 2 tomorrow!

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Deja vu

Ha ha .................... I seem to have deja vu

Although I'm not conciously worrying about it the odd dreams are back and I've had concentration lapses. Infact this time it was my turn to make a fuckwit cheese ..... yes I left the vat on with the ripening curd in it so no doubt we will have a fuckwit ash in a few weeks time!! (Incidently for those of you interested in the fuckwit blue I'm going put the trier in sometime in the next few days to see how it tastes!!)

.....................and that bloke in limbo is back.................

Although I didn't know what to expect before my op I didn't actually have to rearrange things.This part of the dance means that I have had to get cover for my milk recording, cancel four weeks of cheesemaking and markets (apart from two) and (NO, I'm not listening to you naggers it has to be done - I've given up everything else)!!!

Its a strange feeling ..... you only do this sort of thing if you're going on holiday?? right???

Wrong dear heart your dreams ....... it would only be for 2 weeks if you could afford it anyway.

BUT I do feel as if I'm going away, that I'm not going to be having any control over things at home....

The not knowing how I'll feel and how my body will react doesn't help.

As I shaved under my arms last night I suddenly realised that I shouldn't be doing the right underarm ....... oh bugger and from tonight will have to use simple soap, no deodrant and put the underwired boulder holders into moth balls!

Tomorrow I start radio therapy..............

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Dark clouds

On Tuesday when I was milk recording at one of my regular farms concentrating on taking the right sample from the right cow and not thinking of anything else  I suddenly felt tearful for no apparent reason......... for goodness sake pull yourself together.

Later in the day I was driving, listening to the radio and not thinking about anything in particular when the tearful feeling came over me again..........for goodness sake pull yourself together.

Yesterday morning I was washing and sterilizing everything for cheesemaking and as I stood at the sink the teary thing happened again................ for goodness sake pull yourself together.
It happened another couple of times during the morning ................ by now a stiff talking to was administered and heed clearly taken.
It seemed to work........


I haven't felt my usual jolly self all week .......and then yesterday afternoon I had this overwhelming pissed off feeling ...... it just came over me like a dark cloud...... and then wouldn't go away

Fuck off  Fuck off Fuck off ........ but it wouldn't fuck off and stuck with me, slept with me, woke up with me and then went to work with me ..... oh and then came home again for cheesemaking with me.

This afternoon it finally fucked off but was immediately replaced by a short tempered, snappy mood........... gawd knows where it came from.

Luckly it it didn't hang around for too long and I'm now feeling more like normal....... ha ha well as normal as I can be!!

I can't recall ever feeling like this for so long .... EVER

Yes, I've been through all these feelings before over my 50 years but they've never stuck around for more than a few hours!

So why now???

Perhaps the lack of sun has something to do with it???

Perhaps I can blame the dentist???

Perhaps the fact that we have had to make the sad decision to cancel all but three markets until after my radio therapy has something to do with it????

Perhaps as we've almost run out of cheese as this bastard cancer has meant we've not been able to make so much for three months???

Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps.......

I have a sneaky feeling that despite all my fears about weight gain, fluid retention, DVT, hot flushes etc which haven't occured (yet)  Tamoxifen is messing with my hormones instead.

Be warned ...... I bite!!!!

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Shut up!

For weeks I've been dreading today .......... infact since my op I've been hoping that my radio therapy would be in full flow now and then it would mean that  OH and I wouldn't have to keep todays appointment.

All the way on the 25 minute journey I was feeling nervous ...... my mouth was dry and I had butterflies .........

Even going for my op I didn't feel like this...... least this was a trip to Bideford so I didn't have the added worry of OH's lane discipline or lack of it!!!

There was only a few minutes wait so I didn't have much of a chance to read the back copies of country living before I was called in..................

............... to see the dentist!

I hate going to the dentist ..... stupid I know and for goodness sake todays visit was just a 6 monthly check up BUT I still hate going.
Even after all the bastard cancer appointments and even the op this was worse.

Of course Mr P. asked how I was and as usual my automatic response was fine thanks ....

But of course thats not true at the moment so I mentioned the bastard cancer.

His response after saying sorry to hear about it and hopefully its been caught early  was .... to go on about how cancer treatments and drugs affect the mouth causing dryness, and ulcers and also means a great breeding ground for bacteria and infection blah blah blah.....


I really didn't need to hear that and if I hadn't got a chipped tooth which needs sorting I would have left!

As he examined my mouth he added well as a non smoker you're less likely to get mouth cancer ....

Oh thanks very much that has really cheered me up!

Anyway I've got to go back for this tooth to be fixed.........

 I've made the appointment for August.

Friday, 7 June 2013

I've now got 3 tattoos!

So today was another visit to RD&E, this time for a CT scan.......

Guess what? .... well you know the answer  - we left ridiculously early as usual ....

10 minutes into the journey we rejoyced at this early start as at the junction with the main road we were met with a 'ROAD AHEAD CLOSED' sign .... ok no problem but where exactly was the road closed?? Should we drive  in that direction and see if we could divert later on???

Nope ....... no frigging answer , not even a diversion sign. SWH you are fucking muppets

Luckly I'm so used to this happening on my trips to the day job that at least I knew which route to take without panicking!

Once on the A30 it was a white knuckle ride as OH seemed to think that we needed to make up time ..... I spend the trip clinging to the door handle as usual!!
We got into Exeter with me still clinging on for dear life then braking like fuck as the  old fart careered towards the stationary car in front..... then suddenly I heard Ken Bruce on the radio getting someones details wrong at the start of popmaster and realised that it was my twitter friend Mr. VC  ....... he might have found it scary but he certainly made me forget about OH's lane discipline and all the other tossers on the road. Thanks Mr VC xx

Despite all this drama we did this trip in record time so popped to Waitrose to get marigold gloves and melba toast which Holsworthy don't have!!  ..... whoops big mistake ... noone told them we were coming and the queues were unbearable ...OH started twitching (thats seriously bad) Me?? I was fine ... thought there was plenty of time! 

Rolled into RD&E and for fuck sake at 11am there were no parking spaces ... did the tour of the 6 carparks and OH kept saying I'll drop you off and park elsewhere .....

shit shit shit....

No this bastard cancer is causing too much trouble as it is ..... so NO just park on the grass (despite the DO NOT PARK ON THE GRASS signs) Everyone else has and it'll save them strimming it!!

When the miserable Tina gave me my appointment card 2 weeks ago she said its in the main building.

Sooooooooooooo today we headed into the main hospital and scanned the map for radiotherapy

Nope it wasn't there .... was I being blind? quite possibly, when I'm up tight I can't take things in...

OH couldn't see it and he had his specs on....

So we asked the lady at the desk and with one look at my appointment card she sent us to the oncology dept... yup the exact same place as we went 2 weeks ago.

My appointment was 11.30 and for the first time in this journey it was almost on time .... I was called at 11.45.  First I had to put on a top with poppers which will be mine for the next 4 weeks of this treatment and then I went in for the CT scan.

Richard explained everything and then I had to lay down on the table and get a wire stuck to me. Whilst this was going on my oncologist Dr. Goodman popped in to supervise things .... Its a bit surreal saying hello and I'm fine thanks whilst your boob is hanging out!! Especially the far from perfect one!!

Then I was left on my own whilst the table went in and out of the donut type machine .. infact at one point I thought from the noise it was going to take off!!

Because I was laying down I couldn't see what was going on and just got glimpses of movement through the glass in the other room as this was going on which was a bit frustrating but apparently they were just monitoring my boob!!

Then I got my tattoos .......

Yes I now have 3!!

Before you all get excited and ask for photos ...... they are just dots (Richard said they don't do requests!) its so they can line me up on the machine for my radio therapy!!

Talking of which ... after the scan I was told all about radio therapy and what to expect and given some cream to use, advised to buy a soft bra and told to use simple soap.......

and ... I start my radio therapy in 2 weeks time on 20th June!!

Monday, 3 June 2013

I've finally done it

Tonight I've finally done it .................... !!

Yes its only taken four weeks of looking at the prescription and then hiding it again ...... then I had to go to the village surgery to apply for my NHS medical exemption card. (during cancer treatment I'm exempt from paying for my prescriptions)

Then of course I had to wait for it to arrive - too swiftly for my liking I might add!

I then conveniently didn't go near a pharmacy ........ well why would I? Excuses excuses I hear you mutter, absolutely right dear heart!

More delaying tactics followed ........

On Friday I went to Lloyds pharmacy and handed over my prescription. After confirming my details the sales assistant took it to the chemist.
She came back and asked if I was going to wait. 'How long will it be?' I asked adding 'I've no idea about this as I haven't done it before'

I think she thought I was a bit odd but for as long as I can remember on the few occasions I've needed a prescription its always been done at the Doctor's surgery.

Yup I don't do ill and have a tendancy to avoid Doctors!! I guess I'm now going to have to get used to them from now on!

When I got home my lunchtime reading was the leaflet in the box............... what an exciting life I lead!

So the tablets sat on the dining room table all weekend where I regularly picked them up, looked at them and put them back down again!

Today I ran out of excuses, gave myself a good talking to and after supper finally took my first Tamoxifen tablet .................