#nomakeupselfies

You've probably all seen or heard about #nomakeupselfies


If you don't know its a trend started at the Oscars with a load of selfies being posted on social media by the loveies of this world. This snowballed and then thousands of women nominated by their friends shared pictures of themselves without makeup to raise awareness of breast cancer.


This then went viral and and suddenly the coffers of cancer research were £2m better off.


Now being a social media babe (as you know!!)..... twitter, facebook and instagram are my thing ...... all these #nomakeupselfies popped up in my timeline of laydees I know and they were nominating other laydees to do the same.


Everytime I logged on I breathed a sigh of relief that nobody had nominated me!


Why?


Well, I'm a country bumpkin and don't own any slap so I look the same all the time! Not much point doing it really!


Ha! I thought about it and then realised that it doesn't matter what I look like as long as I donated £3 towards research into this bastard disease.
So I posted my #nomakeupselfie (normal me) on facebook and donated.


Now I'm probably going to sound like a kill joy (and 12 months ago I'd have yawned and moved on too) but I do wonder how much this campaign has raised awareness of breast cancer.
In so much as are you and all the thousands women with their #nomakeupselfies breast aware?


Do you know what your breasts feel like normally?


Are you on the look out for any unusual changes?


Do you regularly feel them?


Me? I do it first thing in the morning on the way to the loo!!


Now there's no special way of checking yourself and each doctor and consultant who has examined me has their own way so don't be afraid to have a good old feel of yourself!


It could save your life!

I'm the talent you're back stage!

'I'm the talent, you're back stage'


Ha ha ... what a fab expression.....


Just heard it on the goggle box as OH is watching the thing with Rupert 'phoar' Penry -Jones as I'm logging in to write this post!


Yeah Cancer I'm the talent, you're back stage so fuck off ...............


So actually I was going to write about something else until I heard this, now my post will be very short.
As I've said before it writes itself and tonight its now not was planned.


Unbelievably my last post went viral ........ well in my world ..................Ten thousand page views of the blog is amazing.


I just want to tell you that two days after my last post I got my mammogram appointment........Perhaps Mr Ferguson reads it!!! Yeah right .... anyway its 4th April ....... such a relief and hopefully I'll be able to draw a line under it once I've got the results and leave you all in peace!

The music is fading and the dance is nearly over.......

Well it looks like its almost time to say good bye .........


You lovely readers have stuck with me through thick and thin over this last year but I can hear the music fading and my dance is nearly over ................. we are going to have to go our separate ways very soon......... however the thought of it makes me sad.


Sad?


What do you mean sad? I hear you cry .....


...... just last week Oncology said they would see you in 12 months time ... so that's got to be good news? Hasn't it?


(Oh yes two days later they sent me an appointment for 3rd March 2015)


......... You should be happy ...... you've kicked the bastard cancer into touch.


Of course I am, however when I started this blog I had absolutely no idea of the cathartic release I would have from writing it nor the impact it would have on others. In fact I had no idea if it would even been read by anyone. In my naïve mind I assumed maybe a few friends would look at it every now and then! I also thought we'd all be done by July and life would be back to normal!!!!


Ha ha ......  how we live and learn!


So I'm sad that I won't have anything to write about anymore ..........maybe a strange thing to say but I've enjoyed writing it ....... well really its always written itself and like tonight when I've felt the need to talk to you its just happened!


You may be wondering why I don't just cut the cord and be done with it.
Well, I'm still lingering because until I have my yearly mammogram and results I can't put my mind at rest ............ its due every March for the next 5 years.
So at the moment I'm like a lovesick teenager every time the post man delivers, I'm rushing to check the post................


I'm really showing my age now aren't I? I guess in this day and age lovesick teenagers are glued to their phones waiting for a text!!!


How times change.................

A year to the day .................................

Two days after my oncology appointment in September a letter arrived with the next six monthly appointment .................. 4th March 2014. Amazingly efficient. I also hoped that Dr. Goodman would be seeing me.


I also wouldn't forget it as it fell on the anniversary of my mammogram which started this bloody dance!


Yesterday I had a 4am start for the day job but was back home by 9am to get on with the accounts and vat return which I'd put off doing for over a week ....... talk about going to the wire!


So after a successful vat submission, dogs walked, fritters made and eaten for lunch I turned my attention to banking ..... credit card bill and Birthday money to pay in. However OH was getting twitchy and said we really needed to leave..................


'Ok I'll do it on Wednesday then' (big sighs!!!)


Then he announced that he needed to stop at the bank ................. oh for goodness sake then I do have  time.


Rewind a year ago and I'd be the one insisting we left ridiculously early............................ (as you all know)


So I wrote out paying in slips with OH standing over me breathing down my neck ..............


................... and guess what? We left ridiculously early!!!!


No queue at the bank and nothing to report until we got to Exeter other than we still play our lorry game but the lorries weren't playing.


We then got to Exe Bridges .................. where I always twitch, squawk  and hang onto the door because of OH's lane discipline or lack of it!!! Actually it was fine until we got to the second set of lights.


 'Why have you changed lanes?'


'Which one do I need?'


'The one you were in' squawk 'follow the black car'


'Mind the learner, no look he's going across ....... stop he's going across all three lanes'


'....................and breathe'


At this OH started to laugh uncontrollably and my hanging onto the door got more intense! squawk


Guess what?


No parking places at the hospital.


 What to do? 'Park on the grass' 'No! it says not to'


Waitrose? No, only two hours there, the clinics bound to over run.


The triangle car park and put loads of money in? Nope.


'Lets just drive around again' ................ 'Park on the grass'  'NO it says not to and I know we did before but I don't think we should!'


We actually drove around all of the car parks again and luckily came across someone leaving.


How much to pay? Well we're old hands now .... pay the minimum (£2 for two hours) and then when the clinic over runs go to the desk and get an extension.


Despite everything we definitely got there ridiculously early so went for a coffee.


Half an hour before my appointment I checked into Oncology.


Oh dear ................ the receptionist was having a bad day........... thank goodness I know the drill otherwise I would have been less than impressed with my treatment from her.


The waiting room was heaving but to my relief I saw from the board that the dapper Dr. Goodman, he of the bow tie and dyed hair was running the clinic.


A nurse then announced that Dr. Goodman was running 45 minutes late .......... thank goodness for my Birthday present ........ a kindle.


Next announcement ...... he was now running an hour late!


Queue 'Complaining Man' behind me!


Yeah whatever ... we're all in the same boat .... shut up I'm trying to read.


So after he was pacified by a couple of nurses he still went on ....... we learnt that his appointment was 4pm, he was 22nd in the queue and that they clearly make these appointments not to keep them.


Thanks for the info ..... that means I'm 23rd and after you. ...... and by the sounds of it you'll be in for a while!


OH then went to reception to sort out parking .......


Whilst he was gone a nurse again spoke to 'Complaining Man' and said that they now had two Doctors running the clinic so it wouldn't be long before he was called.


My heart sank ..... I knew I wouldn't see Dr. Goodman.

OH came back ......we got an extension to 7pm!


'Complaining Man' was called in ......... To be fair on seeing him, I realised that his need to see Dr. Goodman was greater than mine and this was clearly his first consultation.


Not long after I was called.


In came Dr. Peter 'Someoneorother' ......... a rather brusque young man who hasn't made it onto my Christmas card list this year.


A few questions about how I was getting on and how Tamoxifen was affecting me followed.


Now when I first met Dr. Goodman before my radiotherapy and before I'd started tamoxifen he discussed the the effects of it on periods and went into great depth about it.


Now I'll spare you the details (unless you really want to know) about me, Tamoxifen and my periods and told Dr. Peter 'Someoneorother' about it.


Phut! Not interested ........ 'How old are you?'


'51' aaahhhhh the first time I've mentioned it since my Birthday!


'Well at your age it will be the natural menopause affecting them'


'No it fucking isn't ..........' I wanted to say but being the polite, shy and retiring wallflower that I am I just agreed.


He then asked to examine me if that was alright.


Errr yes I've got the fetching gown on.


Did I want a chaperone???


What?????? Haven't you noticed my husband is sitting next to me???


So he prodded and poked and I breathed in and out as requested.


He felt the non cancer side first and I have to say rather unnerved me as he asked ' have you found any lumps or bumps?'


 'No'


 He looked puzzled and felt a bit longer ........ It seemed to me that he was feeling lumps  ... I could feel him feeling them as it were. Oh shit!


He then felt the other side and did all the other bits before declaring everything was fine.


He then had to wait for Dr. Goodman to finish with 'Complaining Man' to find out if he could discharge me back to surgery. Apparently he normally works with Dr. Hong so didn't know his procedures. In the meantime he also went to check the results of my cyst removal as I still haven't had a letter from Mr. Ferguson.


The cysts were benign and Dr. Goodman will see me in 12 months time ........


Oh and my mammogram which is due in March?


Not his department ........ got to wait for surgery to send out the appointment!


We then went to my favourite sanctuary for a night away ......... yes you've guessed it - The Ring of Bells which makes everything better for me!

What a difference a year makes!

Walking down the lane with OH and the dogs today in the sunshine, with the birds singing and primroses starting to flower in the banks, spring seemed just around the corner and life seemed good!

It made me think back to Monday 11th March last year when I had similar thoughts......... (that week is etched on my mind incase you're wondering why I can be so specific!)
We had just had a very successful Food Festival, had plenty of cheese maturing and lots of plans for the coming year. I was going to one of my favourite places the next day for an Italian breadmaking workshop and I was hoping that Tilly would like to try sheep dog trial training and maybe one day we'd be on One man and his dog!!!!!! ...........

Little did I know that Wednesday would be the fateful day when THAT letter arrived and turned everything upside down!

Yup! You lovely readers have been sharing my life for nearly a year now! Doesn't time fly?

So this year we don't have much cheese maturing and the Food Festival along with another big market has been cancelled due to the apalling weather so sales will be down big time ....... oh well, thats life I suppose!
Now if you'd told me last year I'd be shrugging something like this off and not panicing I wouldn't have believed you .............

This afternoon I heard someone on the radio say 'things happen for a reason' and although I still haven't worked out the reason for the bastard cancer it did get me thinking about how this dance has changed my perspective on life.

For a start it woke me up, not only a wake up call as far as my lifestyle was concerned - I've mentioned it before ......... weight loss, healthy eating, cutting down on wine, exercise etc.  but also it made me open my eyes to things going on around me, take more notice of them and others.

I'm still haunted by OH's comment 'you're a long time dead!' when last January he proposed we went on holiday in September and I wouldn't agree as we had a Food Festival. We didn't go on holiday. Two months later I wished I hadn't been so stubborn.

Life is too short.

This year we ARE going on holiday and although I would like to do the Food Festival and one the week before they do fall again when we should be away ............. I still haven't sent off the application forms ..............

I have learnt that its ok to take time out during the day to read a book for a while, go for a walk or just sit down ...... something I'd never dreamt of doing before. Oh no, I was always too busy (doing what I don't know) to fit that in. I have to admit it took a long time to realise this and perhaps if I'd done it during my treatment I might have felt better in myself.

I appreciate simple things more ..... meals, phone calls, seeing friends .......

If I don't want to do something I don't do it ...... initially saying no was alien as I'd always done things whether I wanted to or not usually out of loyalty or guilt ...... saying no more often has been a revelation.

By making changes to my life I have less stress now, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any but I don't get stressed up to the eyeballs anymore.

I've learnt to love my life, appreciate small things and value myself more. I feel so much happier now and this in turn makes me smile more!

I didn't want to speak too soon!

I'm sure you've all been wondering ............

......... and yes I was going to tell you .............

BUT ..........

I didn't want to speak too soon ..........

I did that once before and I didn't want to make the same mistake again!

Anyway I'm jumping ahead ..........

Twelve days after I told you that mojo was missing I heard the wonderful Jennifer Saunders being interviewed by the equally wonderful Simon Mayo on his drive time show.

When she described how post breast cancer (and taking tamoxifen) she couldn't be arsed to do anything, nothing was right, and even when her husband took her on holiday it wasn't any good and he couldn't get anything right in her eyes etc etc. It eventually took a close friend to tell her she was suffering from depression. She now has pills which have sorted it out.

OH who was also listening ( he has the hots for Jennifer and once stalked her around Okehampton Waitrose!!) came over and just hugged me.

The penny had dropped for both of us.

I was suffering from depression ......... really? Me?

Yes really ........ the symptoms although worse than mine had just been described on national radio!

What to do?

Well as you know I don't do pills .... its bad enough having to take one a day, so I decided that I'd wait and see how I felt in the New Year ........ classic head in the sand!

The Ring of Bells at North Bovey was the only medication I needed...... as I posted at New Year a great weight was lifted from me at the stroke of midnight!

Mojo returned and since then cheese making has been a pleasure and other things are getting done!

Its now a month down the line and things are good so I think its safe to say normal service has resumed!

As a post script  .........

I know a lot of people are cynical (yes I've seen your expressions) about how I felt the weight lift from me when someone opened the door and the breeze came in on New Years Eve. However I have since read an article in the weekend papers where a TV presenter was contemplating ending it all by jumping from a balcony when out of the blue a breeze came and made him step back. At that moment he felt a huge weight lifted from him.

So I rest my case ..............

Local or general anaesthetic??????

Sooooooooo today was small operation day!


OH set the alarm for 0630hrs so that we could have tea in bed and then I could have breakfast before the cut off time of 0730hours.


We then walked the dogs and I changed the bulb in the yard light which blew two weeks ago as its not fair expecting J to do the animals in the pitch black. (getting up early has advantages...... jobs get done)


A cup of black tea (not too bad) and a bath followed.


We then set off for Tiverton .............. and no, you'll be disappointed to hear that for the first time since March we didn't leave ridiculously early!!!!!


OH's driving wasn't too bad ....... only single lanes so no squawking required apart from when we caught up with all the old farts (OH not included) and one stopped (whilst OH was going off on one about Jeremy Vine .... yes it was 11.30ish and he was wanking on, on the Ken Bruce show) and the old fart in front stopped just off a roundabout to let a woman with a pushchair to cross. I let out a few expletives and OH stopped just in time, slamming his hands down on the horn, as I slid down the seat into the footwell  he carried on ranting.


£2.40 for 24 hours parking ...... blimey I'll go there again ....... only joking, I'm now done with hospitals and am hoping to get my life long aversion to Drs. and Hospitals back.


I checked in ..... sounds like a hotel really and we went and sat in the lounge with eight other people.


Gradually everyone except me was called to see the consultant then the anaesthetist ....... I was trying to read my book but also thinking have they forgotten me .........


ta dah ....


'Sarah'


I stood up and so did the other one who'd already been called out twice ..... my turn!!! I became Sarah two!!


Mr Ferguson had a look, a prod and a poke and then got the black marker out and drew his arrows and things.


'I'll do it under local'


'That's what you said before but the hospital have told me its a general despite my telling them what you said!'


'The hospital don't listen to patients although they are usually right'


I then signed my life away. (consent)


'Unfortunately the locals are after the generals so I hope you've got a book in that bag'


'Oh yes!'


Just before 3pm I was called onto the ward and changed into a gown, put my dressing gown and slippers on!


A short walk down the corridor in my dressing gown and slippers and I was in theatre ( I still have the memories of the long corridors at RD&E with me shuffling in my dressing gown, sexy white DVT stockings and bright pink slippers!!!) Nothing like that here!


Within 10 minutes it was all over and I was back on the ward drinking coffee and eating a cheese and tomato sandwich.


So what exactly did you have done I hear you ask?


Yes ok...............


Actually whilst Mr.F was doing his stuff I was selling my cheese making courses to the theatre staff!!


So ....... he removed two sebaceous cysts from my lymph node scar which will be sent off for analysis and then stitched me up....................the stitches are dissolvable (erm like the previous ones which caused all the infection in the first place)


Apparently the anaesthetic will wear off after 4-6 hours ..... 45minutes to go. No pain so far! If its anything to go by after Mr. F did my Op in April I didn't have pain so fingerscrossed ......